Fear.

It has stopped me from doing and saying many things in my life.


Fear of losing people, fear of upsetting people.
Fear of doing it wrong, fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, fear of dancing and looking silly.
Fear of being alone for the rest of my life, however the fear of asking someone out outweighs this. Fear of being hurt. Fear of watching television or listening to music to loud in case I disturb others. Fear of being too early or too late, having nothing to say or saying the wrong thing.

Fear that I do not know what I am doing or that I don’t mean anything. If I were to vanish would anyone notice. Wondering if I will ever mean anything or simple exist.

Many of these fears are in my head for I do not know how others will react if I say or do the things I want to. But the fact they do exist in my head prevents me from doing them. Many of my fears involve being a burden to others.

They have unfortunately led me to miss opportunities in life, stopped me experiencing things I would like to do. Halt me from saying things I would like to, on how I feel or what I want to do. Instead, squashing my emotions in fear of letting them out, sometime to the point of feeling nothing.
They have at times led me to be fearful of leaving the house, this could be fear or anxiety. Instead of facing the fears I hide away or bottle them up in the hope they will go away.  They do not, they simply add to my regrets and build on my anxiety.

Therapy has suggested I need to do things which I am afraid of, slowly introducing myself to new things in the hope I can train my brain that not everything is to be afraid of. Finding the right balance of trying things but not too much that it scares me.

Researching and talking about it further my fear is actually anxiety. As it lasts longer than fear and is usually disproportionate, however often the things I am anxious about I have not done or experienced so not sure what a proportionate amount of worry is.  

The physical fears I usually can plan through and work out the risk versus reward. However the mental fears I do not see the rewards only the risks associated to them. Hence avoiding them. 

I have tried to do some things this year but they have always been accompanied with large amounts of pre-worry and anxious reflection as well as being distracted in the present so not sure I would call them a success