Good or bad, hard to tell

So I witnessed a great tragedy. Whilst doing something I loved, I saw someone die.

At the time it was awful and consumed my thoughts, putting me off the sport.
Is the reward worth the risk?
For a long time after it shook me, images of that day still flash into my mind, certain triggers make me relive it.

I still tried to continue but the love for the sport was never the same.

I have always used sport or exercise as my safety blanket it gives me a reason to be somewhere and a common point of discussion if anyone happens to talk to me. It allows me to be distracted for a period of time. Without a purpose to the meeting I worry I would not have anything to talk about, make a fool of myself, fear of embarrassment or generally just being uncomfortable. I am not good at filling in silence or small talk. I do not do enough with my life to hold a conversation for any length of time or able to respond well quickly. 

In reflection since that day I have gained so many more things that I am now grateful for.

I attended courses in first aid and white water safety this was to give me knowledge of what to do in some situations, as one of the feelings from the day was of uselessness. Again it has been pointed out, that directing traffic and flagging down emergency services was a very valuable thing to do and allowed me to remove myself from the situation but still help.

The most positive thing to come from the day was strengthened a friendship which I am eternally grateful for. The support and patience I have received pushed me through difficult times and reminds me that there is still fun to be had and people that care. I am especially grateful for them allowing me to share my internal thoughts and providing sound advice when needed, something which I struggled with prior to this. I just hope I can be as good a friend in return as they have been.

Other new opportunities have now risen because I have taken a break from the sport. When given the opportunity to go walking rather than kayak I took it, it is after all still the outdoors, my favourite place to be. This led to an invitation of a lifetime and soon I will be embarking on a different adventure.
I have since had some great days on the water, travelled to some amazing places with awesome people but always with a slight hesitation or restriction of my abilities, even if they are in my head, as the risks involved are now more clear to me.
I have to at this point give a lot of credit and admiration to the people who were there that day who did everything they could to save him. I was very glad of their presence and ability to deal with the situation. Their fast responses and quick actions showed a new level of professionalism and reminded me that training for situations should not be ignored and that being in a great team really counts.

This is the first time I have spoken about it or how it has affected me. I find it very difficult to share my emotions. In hind sight this was probably not healthy and I should have used the support of people who offered. I do not like to be a burden on others or feel like I am passing on my troubles. I do not want my depressing story to define me to them.
I often feel that if I am depressed I should not be around others, as I do not want them to feel as I do. I am also, in my eyes, no longer fun to be around so remove myself from social situations.

So was it a bad experience, certainly, something I hope very few people have to go through.
I am now trying to see the good things which have come from it.

Will I be the same? No, but that’s ok. I am learning to appreciate the things that matter in life and focus on the good things to come from situations. Will I continue paddling? Yes.
I have many many more good days on the water than bad.



Disclaimer: Yes the title was inspired/stolen by Nick Troutmans tip of the day, i think he got it from somewhere else.